Just to say, terrible news about you being caught up in this bloody oil company Trafigura dumping thousands of litres of toxic waste on the Ivory Coast in order to cut costs, continuing to make a hefty profit and adding to the company’s growing list of corporate crimes debacle. Ghastly, just ghastly, that you - a Lord for goodness sake! And the leader of the Conservatives in the House of Lords! - should be dragged into this. And poor old Trafigura; everyone know it’s always done business in an ethical and transparent manner - its representatives jolly well say so!

It’s those bloody hippie lefties causing a stink (a toxic stink you could say! Haw! Haw!). So what’s the bother if you’re the non-executive director of the oil company’s hedge fund arm? So what if the company has been previously accused of taking advantage of the Iraqi Food-For-Oil program to smuggle illegal oil (a case where the company admitted to not being 100% truthful) and has been accused of giving handsome political donations to the Jamaican government in exchange for lucrative contracts - an act the prime minister of Jamaica called a bribe. So what if Trafigura is now offering compensation to over 30,000 people on the Ivory Coast who were left with a series of ailments after the company paid a dodgy third party business to ‘process’ illegal toxic waste but actually just dumped it on the African shoreline? I mean, you’re a Lord and a business man - not bloody Gandhi!

Of course, you’ve handled the situation with class, old boy. Saw your quote in the Loony Rag (that’s the Guardian! Haw! Haw!), “I’ve read today’s stories about Trafigura with concern and I am making inquires about the situation”. More on the ball than me old boy, I’ve just heard about this ‘story’ - my chauffer tells me the dumping occurred three years ago. Just to point out, you might have put yourself in a bit of a pickle; you did recommend former Tory-boy Peter Fraser QC to write an independent report on the situation on the behalf Trafigura. Of course, Fraser admits that Trafigura paid him well enough to keep the report independent. But, for you, it might come across as a bit late in the day to realise that maybe something iffy (maybe even toxic! Haw! Haw!) was going on, what?

Not your fault all this scandal, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Trafigura should keep a tighter reign on its emails. If it insists for three years that the waste was not harmful, it shouldn’t let the BBC get hold of company emails that admit the waste is “banned in most countries due to (its) hazardous nature”. That just looks silly, even more silly than Gordon Brown doing…well, anything! Haw! Haw!

Personally, I agree with Trafigura’s lawyers, Carter-Ruck. Too right that they should demand the Loony Rag delete some of its articles regarding Trafigura, calling the articles “untrue” and “gravely defamatory”. Yes, the lefties will say “Oh, but UN human rights special rapporteur Professor Okechukwu Ibeanu criticised Trafigura for potentially ‘stifling independent reporting and public criticism’. And oh, look, I‘m wearing eco-friendly, solar powered flip-flops!”. I mean, really!

Trafigura has said that the waste was not their problem and refuted allegations they were complicit in the Ivory Coast disaster AND admitted partial culpability by paying out over £100 million compensation. What more do people want? Anyways, old boy, keep your chin up, best of British and all that, what. Boating at mine next Tuesday? I’ll bring the Pimms, you bring the west African toxic waste (just joking! Haw! Haw!)

Yours, lordly,

Earl Lemmer of Bulshite