To: Anil Agarwal, CEO Vedanta Recourses, UK
From: Richard Lemmer, Imaginary Head of PR, Vedanta Resources, UK

Mr Agarwal (can I call you Anil?),

I’ve received the information from the Sacred Sight Infringement team and I think we’ve found our winner. Mining for gold under the Vatican is what we call a PR no-no, and while Mecca may have fantastic potential as a the world’s largest open source copper mine, I believe certain individuals may air slight grievances (i.e the entire Muslim population of the world). But the teams suggestion of a bauxite mine on the Niyamgiri Mountain… I think we could have what we call a PR yes-yes.

But, of course, there are the negatives. The Niyamgiri Mountain is home to the centuries old Dongria Kondh tribe, which holds the mountain‘s beautiful and delicate ecosystem as sacred. These are what we call boo-boos, problems that are going to hurt us. The Dongria boo-boo is a what we call a biggie-boo-boo, in that it could really hurt our public relations. Thankfully, the Dongria are hurting a lot more. Our aluminium refinery at Lanjigarh has already dumped large amounts of toxic waste in local rivers, and air pollution is destroying crops and creating respiratory problems for locals.

While the Indian Supreme Court has given Vedanta permission to mine the Niyamgiri Mountain, and some construction of the mine has been completed, the English government has created another boo-boo. They’ve published a report that has said Vedanta “did not respect the rights” of local people and that Vedanta “failed to put in place an adequate and timely consultation mechanism.” Safe to say this is another biggie-boo-boo.

The PR team needs to turn these kinds of Boo-Boos into what we call a yay-yay, which is the happy feeling you get when you look at a picture of a smiling face, even if the smiling face has respiratory problems and is starving due to withered crops and is homeless due to an international mining company bulldozing their house to build a bauxite mine. With this in mind, we have created 'Metro Colonies' for the displaced Dongria people. 'Metro Colony' sounds like a hip-and-happening place with positive urban connotations, like cappuccino, subway and Jude Law. 'Metro Colony' doesn’t make you think of a shanty town of depressed people stripped from their sustainable way of life. Of course, anyone with a camera and a dictaphone can destroy the wonderful connotations of “Metro Colony” (see The Guardian website).  Another yay-yay can be reminding people that we did offer the Dongria people money (we won’t mention how much, India/ UK exchange rates, differences in Indian/UK law etc...) in exchange for their land before we bulldozed their homes regardless of whether they accepted the money or not. 

Finally, a yay-yay might be when we told a small fib about how there weren’t any Dongria tribes within 12 kilometres of the new mine, when in actual fact there are about 60.
  
Damage control is vital. One Dongria woman told The Guardian, “The way we were living, we were self-sufficient, and we had lived like that for generations… because of (Vedanta), we cannot.” There’s a growing campaign to pressure the Church of England to disinvest from our company. The general secretary of India‘s National Congress Party, Rahul Gandhi has said, “Mining the hill will destroy the environment, destroy the water supply source and destroy the cultures, as well as the livelihood, of the tribes.” All these things will only lead the public to become sympathetic with the plight of the sacred Niyamgiri Mountain. Maybe we can create gagging orders to stifle the press from reporting on these boo-boos, just like legal firm Carter-Ruck has been doing for oil company Trafigura? Our biggest PR asset is that this Niyamgiri fiasco is happening in India (which is like a billion miles away), and involves names most people will struggle to pronounce.

But maybe I can discuss these ideas with you person, Anil? Or post you my full 800 page report? Is it best to reach you at your £20 million Mayfair home, or you luxurious sea front villa in Mumbai? Just let me know.

All the best,
Lemmer
www.vedantaresources.com
 

Words: Richard Lemmer. Lemmer is a Ctrl.Alt.Shift news reporter, legend - and could soon be making his way up the ranks at Vedanta Resources UK.

Photo: Flickr user survivalintl