In the first of a new series of blogs, Sian Anderson takes the hot boy of BBC Radio1 and 1Xtra, MistaJam, on the Ctrl.Alt.Shift verbal assault course. But can he survive the mission and live a life of poverty, disease and war? The reward? A bottle of port from our local corner shop...

What's your favourite holiday destination?
It’s gotta be Cuba.

What's the most absurd and poverty-ridden situation you witnessed there?
In Cuba? It was actually in Havanna itself. Literally round the corner from where the tourists are staying in their hotels. There's pretty much shantytowns and kids running around in raggedy clothes, it just looks like the ghetto. It makes me feel really really really really uncomfortable. My grandad is from Cuba so my reaction to it at the time was like "shit, these could be people that I'm related to living here, and I'm around the corner in a hotel. This is messed up." Because it's a communist country you'd think that everybody would get the same treatment but it wasn't like that.

Did you feel like a bit of a shitta walking around there with all of your body parts in tact?
Yeah I did. Completely, that's the thing about when you're going places and you're walking around, whether you're there cause you're working or just on holiday, whenever you see that it brings you back to reality and shows you that not everything is as pretty as the brochures will tell you. 

If you had to move to a foreign country which country would it be?
It wouldn't be Cuba, I think it's a case of 'better the devil you know.' I'd stick with the Western world and I'd go to America. It's just bigger than the UK isn't it? There are more opportunities for a black man, you know, like being the president... pity that's already taken.

Traitor...
[Laughs] No, I love the UK, I'm proud of the fact that I'm from the UK...

Stop trying to make amends; do you know what happens to traitors in the UK?
[Laughs] Have you not seen the leaked BNP list? It happens worse in America, but in America they're in your face. They're wearing white hoods and they call themselves the KKK, over here, they're living next door to you [laughs] and... you don't even know!

Good point. How would you survive on £1 a day (which the majority of the world actually have to do)?
I'd spend it on food for my family. I don't think I could get a lot of food with a pound though.

No soap... no toothpaste...
Survival is based on what's necessary to live; food and water is necessary to live. Walking around with stinky breath and b.o, you're still living; you've still got your bread and water.

Which country would you like to invade and why?
America.

I thought you wanted to live there? This is unbelievable MistaJam!
[Laughs] Yeah, but I'd still invade it... I mean America has got so much power over the world, if you were to invade somewhere that's got a lot of power it's going to make a difference to the rest of the world. There's no point in invading a really small country if you're trying to make a difference. If you invade America, you can quite easily eradicate all of the hunger in Africa; with one click of a pen.

So what, now you're trying to say England isn't worth invading?
[Shouts] Compared to America...Yes. [Laughs] You're forgetting you could fit four or five England's into the state of Texas.

Sounds to me like you just want to walk in there and steal Obama's job from right under his nose...
Yeah but come on, you're talking about invading here! If I'm going to invade somewhere I'm not going to just sit there like "yeah, wicked, safe."

If you could be any politician, dictator or world leader, who would you be?
None of them.

What? tell the truth you want to be Obama...
[Shouts] Listen; Obama is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't. He's in such a position. America is in such a position. If Obama does something that the Republicans don't agree with the man’s getting assassinated [laughs] if he does something that the Democrats don't agree with... he's getting assassinated.

You're saying the word "assassinated" quite a lot...
[Laughs] Look he can't win!

What's the worse form of torture you can imagine?
Doing something to my family, or anything to do with physical pain like burning, or being tied up, cutting, mutilation anything painful. 

How do you envisage your funeral?
Erm [laughs] very quick. Hopefully it will be in about 60 to 70 years time and very quick. I want there to be a big party afterwards.

Cremation or...
No. No. Definitely not cremation.

I'll bear that in mind for when you pop it then.
Thank you. I also want a party after. I want Donaeo to perform 'Party Hard', with a full live band at the after party. Hopefully by that time we'll have holograms and we'll be able to do that.

What would make you start a war?
Someone hurting my family. I mean I'm not really a warmonger I'm more of a peaceful guy. I don't go in for war and I don't go in for the whole idea of invading and killing civilians because you want to make a political point. But if someone did do damage to my family then it's on. The only kind of wars that I do like is are  wars of words!

MistaJam what would you rather do? Shoot a kid or let off a nuclear bomb in central London?
I have to choose one of those?

Yes.
Are you sure?

Yes.
Well if it's letting off a bomb in America my answer changes. [Laughs] Nah I'm kidding. I love America...Team Obama, yeah man. [Laughs]

How about you stop trying to avoid the question eh?
Okay letting off a nuclear bomb is going to kill a lot more children than just shooting one kid. If you're letting off a nuclear bomb in central London you're not just eradicating London you're taking out the whole of the south east of England. Ha! Furthermore, if it was where I'm DJing that’s worse cause you're killing children in their sleep, you're blowing up kids in Brighton.

So you're saying you'd rather kill a child that's awake than when they're sleeping?
Look. One life… or millions of lives?

Last film that made you do a little wee wee in your pants?
[Uncontrollable laugher] I'm fully in control of all of my faculty’s thanks! I'm yet to see a film that's made me want to trickle in my pants! The funniest film I've seen recently was about a guy who was laughing so hard that he peed his pants. It was an amazing film...

Honestly...
No. I quite liked the film Superbad.

Lucky Dip: Samurai sword or AK-47 (or is it called an AK-49)?
It's called an AK-47.

Oh so you know that do you. Do you... do you?
I listen to rap music, of course I do.

And rap music's all about AK-47's yeah?
[Laughs] Ice Cube used to be.

Which one would you pick?
If I had to pick one - I wouldn't pick either if I didn't have to, but if I had to pick one I would pick the AK cause I'm lazy...

Brilliant, what does the AK do?
The AK is an automatic machine gun, which basically means if you want to shoot someone and defend yourself you don't actually have to get your hands dirty. You pull the trigger, the bullets fly through automatically, and you don't even have to keep pressing the trigger. It just sprays the place!

You sound very experienced in AK's sir...
I've watched a few films in my past. Arnold Schwarznegger and stuff. Can you believe that Schwarznegger is the governor of California? That's like Danny Dyer becoming prime minister.

Most bizarre food you've ever eaten?
It depends what place you go to in China Town or what Nando's you go to. The maddest food that I've eaten - to my knowledge, was a Scorpion.

Last person who saw you naked?
My wife.

Three things you're listening to other that yourself?
You, the traffic as I drive and your phone beeping.

Who are you listening to musically?
I get so much new music, which is good cause that's one of the main parts and perks of my job. I'm really feeling J Cole at the moment. Romo, a grime artist from Birmingham, and I'm really feeling what Wiley's doing right now. Wiley's back!

Have you ever been given a mix CD that you've just thrown in the bin?
Yes.

You'll be please to know you've come to the end of our verbal assault course and can claim your bottle of port...
That's my mum's Christmas present sorted then.

Listen to MistaJam, Monday-Thursday, 7pm-10pm on 1Xtra and on Radio1, Saturday's, 11pm-1am. www.bbc.co.uk/1xtra.