Ctrl.Alt.Shift were asked to take part in the annual Christian Aid football tournament to raise funds as part of Christian Aid Week. We gathered a squad of eager Ctrl.Alt.Shift ballers for what was due to be a fun day of football – however, we could not have foreseen the efforts that were made to stop us from taking the tiny trophy home.

There was always going to be a rivalry between us and the holders of the tournament, having been subject to a smear campaign headed by their team captain (and organiser of the comp) – of whom we can only refer to as the little 'h' for legal reasons. We presume this rivalry was a result of our team having youth on our side; 'h', who is now to his own admittance the wrong side of 30, clearly once considered himself a bit of a player, and is now on a long list of people who reminisce with dreams of  shoulda woulda coulda, but didn’t. We at Ctrl.Alt.Shift knew that this may lead to jealousy and envy but after a certain Ctrl.Alt.Shift employee made a slur about one of 'h''s family members, the jealousy and envy boiled up and turned to hate. We had a real grudge match on our hands before our team had even kicked a ball together - it was great and we could smell success in the air.

Obviously, heading into the tournament having never played together is not recommended standard procedure, but in this instance we managed to hustle our way through the first two games (with 1-0 and 2-0 victories respectively) with our clean sheet intact thanks to the goalkeeping skills of staff writer Kevin 'the cat' Perry. The next game was the final, we were going head to head with Supporter Relations aka the SR Mob aka 'h' and co.

The final was electric, with four goals in about five minutes to make the score 2-2. However, as the final progressed, Ctrl.Alt.Shift got the distinct feeling that the referee was being influenced by SR
Captain Marvel 'h'; either by intimidation or favouritism in the form of rough tackles going unpunished, dodgy free kicks and the blatant ignorance to the fact that the opposing team were fielding members of another team due to their squad being "tired" or "suspended" (bear in mind there was not a single yellow card shown through the entire tournament).

As the match drew to a close we found ourselves trailing the game 4-3. Battling against adversity throughout, we were presented with a lifeline in the dying seconds of the game, as Ctrl.Alt.Shift contributor Karl Murray scored a stunning last minute strike from the centre circle. Whilst the ref awarded the equalising goal and placed the ball back on the centre-spot, the crowd went wild, there were celebrations on the pitch – the joyous scene personified the beautiful game. Then, an ugly stunt on our celebrations - surprise surprise, captain 'h' had a little word (screaming rant) in the ref’s ear. With all the commotion and aggression, the ref, like a deer caught in headlights, eventually caved in. And the goal was disallowed.

Now, corruption is something that Ctrl.Alt.Shift have been and will be tackling in the current months. We will be exposing big corporations and governments who bend the rules and exploit the system, doing whatever it takes to achieve what they want.

What a shame then, that even in a charity football tournament suffered a cruel fate at the hands of a team (with one antagonist in particular) that were willing to do whatever it took to win the tournament. We are not talking giving 110 percent, nor putting in the required training to get the team up to scratch - we are talking disallowing last minute equalisers and fielding players from another team.

With head's held high, the Ctrl.Alt.Shift squad departed as worthy, true and honest runners up. We congratulate the champions and hope they don't choke on their champagne celebrations. We'll be back – for remember, champions are measured by the manner in which they get up from a loss.

Note: A rematch has been proposed to the SR Mob. Unfortunately the legend that is captain 'h' has announced his retirement from the charity football stage. Respect. Fear… it's in a lot of us.

Words: Ben Anderson. Staff writer, Ctrl.Alt.Shift.
Photos: Gloria Hayward